you have got to be kidding me.

So get this. Last night I'm hanging out on the back porch, day dreaming of how I'm gonna kill it at the fall fling in a month when my handler comes barging in and peals off my favorite supple, silk vittoria 700x23 racing slick. I thought to myself, "Meh, probably just a tube change or he's going nuts again on 'rotating' his tires from front to rear."

But I was dead wrong. After he'd removed Vittoria from my loving clinch, he unwrapped some crusty French hippie excuse for a clincher tire.

"What the hell?" I thought.

Then it dawned on me. I'm going to be a cyclocross wheel this fall. NO NO NO NO NO.

I yelled, but he did not hear. "Hey idiot! Don't you see my bladed spokes and slightly aero rim?! I'm made for speed, not for sticks and mud!" But the handler paid no mind. Open Pro snickered and Zipp 404 counted his blessings.


This is complete BS. Who the hell thought up cyclocross anyhow? It wasn't a clincher wheel, I'll tell you that. Those bastard cantilever brakes have already scraped off my kick ass "BONTRAGER" stickers and that Michelin cyclocross tire is a complete slob. All I know is I'm about to pop out some serious untrueness.

Damn you cyclingnews for trying to buzzkill my dream.

Some of you may already know that I aspire to become an NRC professional clincher. So far I’ve spent the past year training with an Elite Cat 1-5 team and it’s been good, but I yearn for faster speeds, tighter corners and more victories. My handler at the moment is a decent racer, but he doesn’t put in the 20 hours a week I require to reach my potential. Hell, he can barely sustain 25mph without hiding behind some other wheelset, and he corners like he’s riding a beach cruiser.

Honestly, the past year I’ve spent most of my time stuck on the back porch, listening to Open Pro and Zipp argue who has the most palmarés instead of training. Listening to those two argue is the worst. Open Pro blathers on so much about how his great grandfather won Le Tour and Roubaix in the same year that even I usually end up siding with Zipp just to shut that Frenchy’s spoke hole.

But I digress. So yeah, I could totally go pro. I’ve been true all year, my braking surface is top shelf, and thanks to some rigorous training in the gym last winter, my spin-up profile in clincherpeaks WKO+ has me at or above domestic Pro across the board. I’m ready for the move to the big time!

I've got my resumes out and I'm feeling good about the 09 season, but then cyclingnews.com started publishing all these doomsday articles about the state of professional racing in the USA!

First I learn that two teams are SOL, then I learn that other teams aren’t really planning on bringing on new talent. And there is still one more article left! What’s next? Are they going to switch to unicycles and leave chain driven rear wheels out in the cold?!

It could happen. Damn you cyclingnews. I might just be stuck with my “elite amateur” handler for yet another season.

Hi and Hello. Clyde the Clincher is my name.

I'm new to my anthropomorphic abilities and even newer to this blogging, so please bear with me.

Anyhow, I've realized I need a place to met out my nuggets of advice, observations and startling humor.

I guess I'll get starting with a brief question/answer session that I can just cut and paste from a recent email from my best buddy.

1. What is your occupation?
I'm a 700c aluminum rear clincher rim.

2. What color are your socks right now?
I don't understand. My spokes are silver.

3. What are you listening to right now?
I'm listening to freewheel blabber on about how tough he is.

4. What is the last thing you ate?
Zipp carbon brake pads. Yum!

5. Can you drive a stick shift?
huh?

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Memphis Blue.

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
My family doctor, Bontrager Customer support

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Absolutely! Neuvation - he's one of my dearest pals - a childhood friendship I'm proud to say has endured over many years and many moves (thank goodness for the internet!)

9. How old are you today?
13 months

10. Favorite drink?
bubble bath

11. What is your favorite sport to watch?
cycling, of course.

12. Have you ever dyed your hair?
I went through a white sidewalls phase.

13. Do you wear contacts or glasses?
I hate glass. don't even mention that.

14. Pets?
3 rescued dogs - a chihuahua-terrier, a spaniel-beagle and a german shepherd-husky

15. Favorite food?
Indian

16. What was the last TV show you watched?
Wheel of Fortune. Not at all what I expected.

17. What do you do to vent anger?
Go out-of-true at inopportune times.

18. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Spoke wrench.

19. Cherry or Blueberry?
I prefer the squish of blueberry against pavement, though it is fun to launch cherry seeds at unsuspecting babies.

20. Do you want your friends to email you back?
Of course. Hi guys!

21. Who is most likely to respond?
RaceXXXlite, unless he's pounding a six pack at home by himself.

22. Who is least likely to respond?
Campagnolo Bora. What a prick.

23. Living arrangements?
I spend the weekdays between a Trek, and my summer weekends at my vacation home in Wheel Pit.

24. What is on the floor of your closet?
Road grime.

25. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
Neuvation - We met on the factory floor in Taiwan. We were young! I have great memories growing up together, but we went our separate ways after the factory. I'm glad we reconnected as old grown-ups!

26. What did you do last night?
I did some writing and searched rimmatchmaker.com for some new tires.

27. Favorite smell?
Most recently, an orange-vanilla soy candle

28. What inspires you?
Pavement.

29. What are you afraid of?
recycle bins.

30. Favorite dog breed?
No favorite - I love my muttley babies

31. Number of keys on your key ring?
I have an assistant who handles all the locks in my life.

32. Favorite holiday (s)?
Aluminum Appreciation month.